There Are Many Traits That Make A Good Sadist, These Are A Few I Value.

It’s no secret that I love sadists. For a long time, sadism was the primary trait I looked for in prospective partners and often, when I found it, I fell irretrievably in love. Nothing piques my interest faster than the manifestation of desire to deliver intentional pain to another person. When I was younger, the sheer fascination with a creature that wanted to hurt and control me was so intense, I often overlooked less desirable and even dangerous traits and I suspect, even now, despite hard-wrought wisdom, if I didn’t remain vigilant, I would easily do it again. At this point, you may expect that I am going to say something about having learnt that sadism is not the most important thing and I’ve learnt to look for a good person first but I’m not. I do need a sadist, and it does remain primary as a trait of desirability. I feel there is this pressure, this inevitable realisation that you are supposed to have, which leads you to a place where you accept that sex (in whatever form, for me it is masochism) is not the most important thing in a relationship.

I cannot go to that place.

Sex is infinitely important to me, it is where all my emotion lives, and while it doesn’t have to have the same value to anyone else, I know that I would be miserable if I loved a person who did not, could not, would not and (I suspect) would no longer hurt me. We’re not supposed to say that, we are supposed to be noble and pretend we wouldn’t be unhappy if our preferred form of touch (sexual, non-sexual or none) was absent from our relationships. I’m too base to take a stab at nobility so I’ll just tell the truth, I cannot be with a non-sadist. I could love them for a moment in time, I could love them in a way that precludes convention or physical touch, but ultimately, every relationship in which the true desire to hurt was absent, ended (and often because of sexual incompatibility). It took a while for me to come to this place where I have little shame admitting this, I express and experience love in the way that I do, and sex is my primary system of expression. However, in coming to this place, I did learn many other things I value in partners, because sadism is no longer (and hasn’t for a while) been the only thing I seek and even within a sadist, there are specific things I now value that I didn’t think to look for before. I suspect there is some overlap, but primarily, I’d like to address the traits I’ve come to value in sadists.

First of all, I find I love an intentional person. I love people who can always tell me why they want to do something, or why they are, but it’s more than that, I value a sadist who hurts me because they want to hurt me, they understand why and how, and they take responsibility for their actions and desires (and I’ll take mine). I’ve met a lot of scapegoat sadists and tops, ones who will do to you the things they want to do but will always make it entirely your idea because they don’t want to take responsibility, not just if something goes wrong but also for dealing with the implications of their own desires. This is not the same thing as tops who hurt their partners for their pleasure even though they derive no direct pleasure from hurting them, there is nefarious intention to this process, and it shows in the way they introduce their desires, not outright and attributed to themselves, but always piggy-backing on something you said (…”based on what you said earlier…”) even if it barely has an actual connection. Contrary to that kind of sadist is one who enthusiastically attributes their desire to themselves.

There is an allied-reason as to why that is so important to me, it doesn’t just indicate the ability to take responsibility, it also indicates to me that they spend a good amount of time reflecting on their desires and practises. And that’s the second thing that I value greatly, a sadist who has clearly done as much work internally as they have done externally. That’s true experience, right? Going through the motions may be good for some level of physical skill, but if you learn nothing about yourself and change nothing over the course of years, did you really experience life? I don’t need an experienced sadist, but I won’t compromise on a contemplative one. I like knowing you spent as many hours parsing through your urges and desires as I did, or you will. I don’t just like it because it makes you a safer sadist, but also because it’s way more interesting to be with a person who excavates themselves for meaning and also, recreation. I like a good story, and when I know yours, it informs the pain you cause me and that is a good story. There’s a little bit of magic in it.

Which actually brings me to my next point, it’s a weird one, but there’s a lot in it if you just think about it for a minute. I love a sadist who is at least a little bit blown away by the magic of masochists. Let me explain. I think it’s magical that sadists exist and will safely, for their pleasure and mine, hurt me (and love me). I think it’s a bit nuts that you can find that, because think of the alternative, right? If there weren’t people in the world who hurt you for their (and your) pleasure, where would you go to get this pain? That is a dark path, I know where I went to get pain before I knew it was possible to have it with intention and care from a person who respects you, and it wasn’t a good place. Similarly, for sadists, imagine if there weren’t people in the world who wanted pain for their pleasure (and yours), where would you have to go? Don’t you think the existence of these people warrants a little bit belief in magic? You must protect us at all costs. I find when sadists are grateful and mindful of the reality that it’s rare to have the opportunity to safely express a desire that may be socially deemed wrong, they develop better ethics. It is the anti-dote to entitlement. I know I feel that way. Sadist-magic makes me want to be a better person as a masochist.

That’s not the only thing that makes one better, though. The most consistent answer to the primary feature in betterment is probably feedback and I love a sadist who handles feedback well. Now, first, I said handle and not takes because often as bottoms we start to believe that our role is only to give feedback not take it but I think all parties benefit from feeding-back. A sadist who is able to give feedback in a way that doesn’t feel like it is designed to “get their way” is important but I also love a person who doesn’t let their biases or personal feelings interfere in the process. Feedback seems to become an attack-zone way too easily, for either side of the slash, and sometimes, people express their hurt in the form of feedback and when the other party is aggrieved by that, they use it as evidence that feedback is not well received or given by their partner. In truth, the whole damn thing is rotten. It’s difficult to create a healthy feedback space because it requires commitment, but when I find a sadist who handles feedback well, I will latch on because, to me, that indicates they have the potential to demonstrate consistently good practises.

The next point is not something I value in presence, it is something I like when it is conspicuously absent. I do not like a pedantic sadist. Let me clarify, I don’t mean that I mind compulsive behaviour, I actually really love compulsive behaviour, but there is a very specific type of sexual pedantry that exists in some tops in which they act like “everything is ruined” if they don’t get one thing they want. I understand non-negotiable fetishes, I probably have some, and if I don’t have those in common with a person, I will likely not play with them. I also understand opting-in to only do some very specific things together. However, when I sense that a sadist is attempting to wear me down to get to their very particular vision and if they fail in even a single aspect they will throw a tantrum or attempt to manipulate me, I am extremely done.

Those aren’t all the traits I value, but there are some like creativity or well-rendered spontaneity that I could appreciate, but I don’t really need them. There are also many other traits that you may value more that I don’t. In no way do I mean this is an exhaustive and the only list of good-sadist traits, but it is a good one for me. In fact, the only other trait I absolutely love is a sadist who will let me be a part of the “ideas team” when it comes to determining what horrible thing we are going to do to me. I love a sadist who wants to sit together by candlelight and make an elaborate fucking plan of torture.

Ah.

True love does exist.