I Cannot Have A Fuck-Machine So I Tried To Make One.

Somewhere between the TMI and over-the-top commentary there is also the review of a thrusting dildo I got from The Sangya Project. A sense of humour is basically compulsory to get through this very perverted post.

If you know anything about me at all, it probably wouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I have always wanted a fucking machine (or fuck-machine?). I am not entirely certain what the correct syntax is for that, and I am also not sure I should trust the syntax as determined by the algorithm and creators of Pornhub, which is not say the pornographically-inclined cannot also be literary (for instance, I am certain James Joyce would have been a porn-god if he were alive today and Henry Miller would have definitely had a dark, brooding yet filthy Tumblr-page that kept getting banned), it’s just hard to trust the horny with grammar sometimes. I can hardly trust myself when I am horny, though I swear, my grammar gets better when I am horny, and so does my penmanship, for some reason. Regardless, I have always wanted a fuck(ing) machine. 

You know one of those contraptions with a motor and an attachment where you can stick a dildo and it just robot-fucks you at varying speeds? Preferably while you are also bound, tied-down, being watched by eighteen-to-twenty people, whipped and lightly degraded. I can arrange all of that in about an hour but this machine has been elusive.Despite trying very hard, I haven’t been able to procure a fuck(ing)-machine (yet) because it’s not an upcoming market in India, and personally, I think, if we sold it with turmeric-infused attachments (that definitely deal with some inflammation somewhere) and lore that it was actually first conceptualised in India in 3000 CE, it would suddenly sell like hot-cakes but no one ever hires me to be on a marketing team so we won’t be getting ayurveda-approved fuck(ing)-machines anytime soon but I did find an alternative! 

The Sangya Project makes a thrusting dildo and I figured, as I frequently advocate, if you cannot find exactly what you want, figure out what you want from it and find the closest alternative. I had never seen a thrusting dildo before on any other India sex-toy shop and I was delighted to discover it on theirs and was very excited to try it out, especially since I figured it would be able to give me what I wanted out of a fuck(ing)-machine, and that is two main things:

– An unrelenting mechanical fucking because I am extremely driven when it comes to finding objects to hurt my genitals, because this is not about satisfaction (of the conventional sense) for me, I want only one thing from all my insertables (and lovers, and sometimes, dentists), and that is pain. A dildo that thrusts all on its own for over an hour is going to leave you sore and I want to be left sore, thank you very much. Check on requirement number one.

– The second thing I want is..a detached fucking? I rarely use toys by myself, I’m not a solo-sexer, and when I do use toys with partners, especially a sadistic partner like my spouse, I need some distance between us and I need them to, well, subject me to the toys. My ideal scenario is one where the thrusting implement is attached to the other end of a stick (or fucking-machine) and whoever is controlling it is far away from me. This one I was less sure about accomplishing with the thuster because I wasn’t sure how I would secure it to the six-foot bamboo stick I keep in my bedroom for perfectly innocent reasons (like..dance practise?) without it shaking loose or falling off during the detached fucking, but I had a few things picked out to secure it to the stick.

Alas! The thurster arrived on the second day of my period and everyone in my life thinks I would love period-sex because I’m hot for blood but I don’t. For one thing, I can’t fucking process bleeding as hot unless there is a weapon (or a fist, which is a weapon, right?) involved and secondly, I can rarely horny on my period because I am so mad about it as a concept. I remember when I first found out that it would happen *every month*, I was sure they were lying and then it did happen every month and I was so fucking angry. I channelled some rage into advocacy (ie: period leave, tax-free menstrual products etc) but the rage never really left, and every month, I am enraged anew which makes it difficult to horny, I envy people who can angry-horny but I cannot do it so I had to wait four-days to use it. It was hard. I took it out every day and fiddled with it.

It came in a very nice box (and I love that all of Sangya’s products are black, seriously, I have so many ridiculously-hued dildos, and I know people like colours but as far as I am concerned, only flowers, other nature things and animals should be allowed to be colourful and everything man-made should probably be black, or *maybe* white) with very easy-to-follow instructions. It’s about 6-inches of thrusting surface, a rabbit-clit extension and a handle, and controls, with an internalized piston-mechanism and outer-coating that is soft and crimped to enable thrusting. I turned it on and off and on and off hundreds of times just to see how fast it would go and maybe also to scare myself a little, and then I showed it to my partner, so he could scare me a little as we waited for the fucking bleeding to stop and then it did! On Saturday, we lost an entire day (spilling over into Sunday morning because again, if you know me, you know my preferred elaborate sex slot is 5 AM to 10 AM), finally using the product. At first, we did a get-to-know-your-thurster round, with minimal menace, moderate sadism and no bamboo-stick attachment. Here’s what I think about it:

**Things that would work for a normal person that didn’t quite work for me.**

– It slows down on its own when it senses resistance, it’s pretty cool that it is adaptive like that because it is actively trying not to hurt you, but since I really only want it to hurt me, its consideration made me realise it is not a sadistic dildo (well, not for the first ten minutes anyway), but since I always bring-my-own-sadist (BMOS/BYOS), he compensated for its consideration by ramming it into me until I screamed a lot and then he punched me till I shut up.

– It is super-easy to orgasm from this product because it thrusts and vibrates and gets to the clitoris from the inside and the outside. I never buy a genital-stimulating toy because I want to orgasm (and I fully acknowledge that most people probably do so this is a major plus for them). I buy it so I can hurt from it or edge (which, weirdly, I recently heard a comedian call a “Gen Z” thing and like, whaaaat? They know the BDSM-people have been edging and oragasm-denying since the dawn of time, right? Delayed or no gratification is our thing, I feel like we are being reappropriated for the purpose of clout and/or slang), and to that end, I do appreciate that I can turn off the vibration while keeping the thrusting going.

**Things that probably wouldn’t work for a normal person that did work for me.**

– After it has fucked you for ten minutes, even with lube (and I tried three different kinds of lube, all water-based, because again, if you know me, you know I keep that shit in every room of my house, and three in my bedroom, you just never know when you may need to get slippery, or if your guests are too squeamish to ask to borrow some), it starts to hurt and get a bit raw in there. It feels super warm in there after you pull it out and you get these fun (read: not fun if you like comfort) spasms (which, I think, are common to a lot of vibrating-toys).

– The crimping that enables the thrusting works great for a while, but eventually, once the thing is fully burrowed inside you, it sometimes catches the skin on the inside of your vagina in its folds and..pinches? I really fucking loved this and (surprise, surprise) as did the sadist. I think he is ready to write the makers a thank-you note because the only other thing that has ever achieved the same sensation before is inserting links of a chain inside my cunt (and you can’t adapt a chain into a makeshift fucking-machine).

Alright, moving on from general feedback about the thruster in this trainwreck of TMI (which I think makes an excellent collective noun for TMIs, a trainwreck of TMIs, that is amusing to me). So, the simulated fuck-machine-meets-stick scenario is why I actually wanted this device and what I really wanted to do with it so we set up by putting me on the floor, bringing the stick and securing the dildo to the bamboo. The following are the things we tried to secure it and how they worked:

– Electrical Tape: It didn’t work for long, it didn’t come undone but electrical tape and the material of the dildo made it so that is slipped and while it was absolutely agonizing to have it thrusting inside me at the very, very *wrong* angle, the agony didn’t last very long and that made the sadist grumpy so he kicked me. Which was nice. But it wasn’t the point. 

– Rubber Bands: I used wide, long white rubber bands that I got from a DIY store. Weirdly, these particular rubber bands are not the best for impact-and-pain play (and if you know me, you know I’m a sucker for a good rubber-banding, it sounds less sexy than a flogging but hurts way, way more and is actually much hotter as S&M than a flogger), they don’t have the snap of my usual fare BUT they worked pretty well for securing the dildo to the stick. My partner held the other end of the stick while I was on the floor and kept it going for a good long while. Weirdly, this securing-equipment made for the most video-friendly one because it had enough give for one to be able to *see* the dildo thrusting inside me. 

– Rope: Honestly, I think this has a shot at working very well IF you are a person who has any degree of rope-skill. Between my partner and I, we have the combined skill of a blind cat caught in a spool of twine so basically as soon as we turned the thing on, it fell apart and because we give up real easy when it comes to rope bondage (mostly because his preferred method of restraining me is demanding it), we didn’t even try again.

– Zipties: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner. These were my partner’s suggestion and I am deeply ashamed to say that I doubted him at first but he was right and the zipties win. The damn thing did not move a millimetre out of place and felt quite like fuck-stick/machine (or at least, how I imagine it would feel. I am not surprised, there is nothing these things cannot do, earlier this year, I even used them to tie-up my pigtails because I couldn’t find a scrunchie. We made a little mistake and secured the dildo slightly higher than we should have which is why, even though this was the highest speed at which we used the thruster, it’s hard to *see* it and the stick kept poking me in the ass (which according to the *sadist* is a win). 

Now that I know that I can secure the thruster to the stick with a great degree of success, I expect there will be endless projects conducted to replicate the function of a fuck(ing)-machine that I desire and I cannot wait. Gotta go, need to find eighteen to twenty people who want to come to the next show.