I am a pansexual, polyamorous, kinky, partnered woman who has existed in the space of alternative sexualities, the queer community and the industry of sex for over a decade. For a long time, I was happy to live my quiet existence, share my writing anonymously and harness a following that wasn’t tethered to my identity, but a few years ago I noticed something that profoundly offended me. I noticed that despite being in the “age of woman,” the social aspects of sexuality and sexual communities continue to be dominated by men and expectedly they continue to be unsafe, gatekept spaces ruled by the cult of personality and ego, and they are geared to service men. When these spaces are run by and open to women, it tends to be a particular kind of upper-class feminist who is most-often found there and much to my dismay, and the horror of my own eyes, I have seen so many women cut down other women so they can continue to be accepted by the “community.” I understand, where else will you go?
Well, come here.
This space is open to people of all genders and ethnicities but I will be the first to admit that I created it for Indian women. I know what it is like. The day I turned eighteen, I packed a suitcase and prepared to leave the home of my parents, and as I packed that suitcase, I knew what was happening. I had to emancipate myself from my family in order to live freely as myself. I was penniless, terrified and without a plan, but I was free. That is what it comes down to and we can sugarcoat it or talk about how times have changed, but how about you do that on Instagram and here we’ll talk about a different version of reality. We live in a country where, even today, it’s not just looked down upon for us to be sexual creatures as women, it’s also penalised by ostracisation, violence and murder. I often find that in conversations of sexuality, kink and fetishism, this reality of women is absent in discussion. I know that it may seem like learning about the patriarchy is irrelevant to learning about submission and BDSM, but it’s not irrelevant, the personal is political and the sexual will, in time, reveal your politics to yourself. I am here to help women, and everyone else, on this journey. I don’t just want to teach you how to safely stick a needle in your thigh (though, that too), I want to teach you how to access the multi-layered depths of your sexual self and I want to help you as you navigate that in this hostile country or world because I’ve been there.
For a long time, I didn’t know if my life experiences held any merit when it came to attempting a leadership position in a sexual space, but after a closer examination of those who do hold these positions now, I feel like I was a moron to resist. What are my credentials? Well, my life. I’m a writer and a reporter so I have the skill of observation and analysis. I have a great deal of experience, sadly, with being sexually assaulted and I have spent a lot of time understanding the impact of trauma on sexuality. I am a well-known sex columnist, writer and novelist, even in connection with my day job. I have been in polyamorous relationships since I was fifteen. I have been in kink, BDSM-based relationships for as long as I have dated. I am a masochist with over 15-years of masochisting under my belt and my relationship with pain is a detailed, well-considered and evolving one. I write extensively about kink on Fetlife and Patreon under the name AncillaL, and in other mainstream news outlets under my real-name. I have been in an extremely abusive relationship, which is not a credential, as much as a perspective that is truly valuable to understanding sexuality, safety and society. I am extensively travelled and I have lived all over the country. I used to work as an escort in earlier years and now I write erotica and erotic novels for people who are more turned on by concepts that genitals. I spent years worrying about how egoistic is looks for me to want to be a “community leader” while men with much less to say and much less substance to offer continued to not only do it but suppress and subsume any upcoming female leaders under their own brands.
So I am going to deal with my discomfort now because I’ve been a fool to let it hold me back. I am a sexually-liberated Indian woman who has openly lived her entire life on her own terms, I defy any man to do something that radically courageous.
Ancillary Kink Support 