All our posts can be found on this page, but you can search by category, based on what you are looking for, right here:
KINK SUPPORT: Advice posts, how-to posts, support posts, posts about safety, guide posts.
SEX IN INDIA: Posts about being an Indian woman navigating society and sexuality.
BDSM: Posts about specific fetishes, the psychology of fetishism, posts exploring the motivation behind fetishes and power-exchange.
RELATIONSHIPS AND POLYAMORY: Posts about relationships, challenges, how-to polyam guides, introduction to unforeseen challenges.
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RECENT POSTS:
- The Era of Thin Is Back and It’s More Fatphobic Than Ever.While I don’t usually spend a lot of time catching up on the news surrounding pop-culture, I have a twenty-four-year-old sister who is a stylist, model and aspiring actress and she normally fills me in on things she believes I will wish to discuss but when she called to gab about all the celebrities who… Read more: The Era of Thin Is Back and It’s More Fatphobic Than Ever.
- Who Decided Art Couldn’t Be Depraved?For the longest time, the social and legal acceptability of the depiction of desire and sex has hinged on whether something qualifies as art or pornography, but as an (Indian) erotic writer and fetish artist, most of what I do is qualified as pornography for being depraved, prurient, obscene and filthy, and I wonder how they decided art couldn’t be depraved, anyway? Can something be designed to evoke a sexual response and still deign to call itself art? Are our laws designed to protect or to enforce an arbitrary morality? I discuss all of this and more, in this piece.
- Pushing Limits Is Not The Only “True” Submission.A lot of people, especially s-types, get coerced into the idea that the way to be a good, worthwhile submissive is to push their limits for their dominant partners, but there are lots of ways to express yourself that don’t involve putting your boundaries up for audit. In this post, I explore the idea of pushing limits and the various forms it takes.
- I Cannot Have A Fuck-Machine So I Tried To Make One.Somewhere between the TMI and over-the-top commentary there is also the review of a thrusting dildo I got from The Sangya Project. A sense of humour is basically compulsory to get through this very perverted post. If you know anything about me at all, it probably wouldn’t come as a surprise to you that I… Read more: I Cannot Have A Fuck-Machine So I Tried To Make One.
- Love Is About Luck But It Is Also About Courage.“You are just very lucky,” she said to me, “Not everyone in the world is as lucky as you when it comes to love.” I don’t disagree. I am not one of those people who takes offense at the idea that love takes a little bit of luck, especially if one’s version of love is… Read more: Love Is About Luck But It Is Also About Courage.
- How Rejecting Rituals of Beauty As Self-Care Led Me To Peace.She was sitting at my desk and smoking a cigarette, eyeing my body the way she always has. She eyes it for flaws and fixates, fantasizing about how she would change it if she could carve me with a knife, sometimes she shares her vision for me, more often she shares her disappointment. “You know,… Read more: How Rejecting Rituals of Beauty As Self-Care Led Me To Peace.
- Sex Versus Sanskar: The Price of Renting The Space For Sexual Freedom in India May Be Higher Than Your Realise.Sex and Sanskar is a weekly column about the industry, experience and sociology of sex in India written by Ancilla L of Ancillary Kink Support. Ancilla is a sex-and-kink educator, erotic author, former sex-worker and columnist dedicated to exploring the politics and nuances of sexuality. We were easing into it, his hands were around my… Read more: Sex Versus Sanskar: The Price of Renting The Space For Sexual Freedom in India May Be Higher Than Your Realise.
- There Are Many Traits That Make A Good Sadist, These Are A Few I Value.It’s no secret that I love sadists. For a long time, sadism was the primary trait I looked for in prospective partners and often, when I found it, I fell irretrievably in love. Nothing piques my interest faster than the manifestation of desire to deliver intentional pain to another person. When I was younger, the… Read more: There Are Many Traits That Make A Good Sadist, These Are A Few I Value.
- Submission Works Because Of The Willing Suspension of Disbelief.For a brief period when I was much younger, I genuinely believed that I could only submit or be subjugated by a person who was smarter than me. Momentarily, and very simplistically, it made sense to me that intelligence was a good enough reason to view someone as superior, and they had to be superior… Read more: Submission Works Because Of The Willing Suspension of Disbelief.
- Can You Be Sadistic To Someone You Love?We were sitting down to lunch with a couple of friends we had known for many years. They had been involved in a power-exchange based sadomasochistic relationship with each other for a few years longer than we had been at the time. As we dug into our meal, they asked if they could discuss something… Read more: Can You Be Sadistic To Someone You Love?
- How Do You Trust Yourself To Choose Partners After Staying In An Abusive Relationship For Too Long?Written by Ancilla L. … I stayed in an abusive relationship for nine years. I’ve been asked by many people, in many different ways, why a smart, independent woman like me would stay in a relationship of this kind for so many years and there are many layers to the answer. I met him when… Read more: How Do You Trust Yourself To Choose Partners After Staying In An Abusive Relationship For Too Long?
- The Evolution of Rape Fantasies and The Reality Around Them.Content Warning: Discussion of rape, rape fantasies, consensual non-consent in a tone that may seem eerily clinical while still being searingly personal. ….. The first elaborate sexual fantasy I had in my life involved an imaginary abusive boyfriend who beat me up all the time, controlled everything I did and left me to tend to… Read more: The Evolution of Rape Fantasies and The Reality Around Them.
- Why D/s Relationships Feel Like The Safest Relationships To Me.Written by Ancilla L. For a long time, I wondered exactly what it was about power exchange and the D/s relationships that appealed to me. I’ve been a masochist for as long as I have been alive and the allure of pain is so easy for me to understand because it’s so simple—it feels good—whereas… Read more: Why D/s Relationships Feel Like The Safest Relationships To Me.
- It’s Not Edge-Play, It’s An Edge-Dynamic and This Is What That Means.Written by Ancilla. I wouldn’t say that I was naive, but when I met my previous partner, I was still young enough that I couldn’t renew my own passport. I am tempted to blame my youth for the decisions I made with him but I am not entirely sure that would be accurate, mostly because… Read more: It’s Not Edge-Play, It’s An Edge-Dynamic and This Is What That Means.
- Why Crying Is My Favourite Thing During Play.Written by Ancilla. Many years ago, back when negotiating scenes with sadists as a form of sex still felt like a novelty, there was one who insisted that we play until he was able to make me cry. Fortunately, I had the foresight to insist that I couldn’t guarantee tears (it’s kind of like guaranteeing… Read more: Why Crying Is My Favourite Thing During Play.
- If I Cure My Trauma Will I Still Be Kinky?Written by Ancilla. Within the kink sphere, this is a question asked only in whispers, it is a subject held deeply inside the hearts of the many people who worry that going to therapy or seeking help for trauma would ultimately lead to “curing” them of their sexuality, but it’s hard to talk about it… Read more: If I Cure My Trauma Will I Still Be Kinky?
- Sadism May Be Harder To Come To Terms With Than Masochism.There was once a guy I loved. Well, there were dozens, and somewhere they all still exist (except for a few who have unfortunately perished) but I’m talking about this one guy in specific. We were young, and for a change it was both of us that were young, which is not weird for me… Read more: Sadism May Be Harder To Come To Terms With Than Masochism.
- The Manipulative Practise of Exploiting Loopholes As A Top.For the past few years, I have become more and more interested in a certain type of potential predatory practice, a certain style of manipulation that abounds in the kink scene – The Exploitation of Loopholes. Let me give you an example. Over a decade ago, I was (casually) playing with a top who put… Read more: The Manipulative Practise of Exploiting Loopholes As A Top.
- You Cannot Fix Your Dynamic By Recreating The Past.She was telling me a story about him grabbing her hair and dragging her up the stairs to beat her. He watched her intently as she revealed all the salacious information and interjected the moment she stopped speaking. “That was seven years ago,” he said, “And that is what I keep saying, we need to… Read more: You Cannot Fix Your Dynamic By Recreating The Past.
- What Happens When You Make A Mistake While Beating Someone?Violence is my go-to form of fucking. It’s my routine, it’s the same old cup of coffee I have every morning, it’s what comes naturally to my brain when I am horny, it’s both my indulgence and my comfort food. Violence, and when say that I mean kicking, slapping, punching, pulling, throwing someone around at… Read more: What Happens When You Make A Mistake While Beating Someone?
- Do Tops Bear More Responsibility Than Bottoms?I’ve always thought about my masochism and the desire to be enslaved in great detail, but over the past couple of years I have started to think more and more about the other side of the slash. I don’t mean that I am becoming sadistic or that I am interested in exploring my dominant side,… Read more: Do Tops Bear More Responsibility Than Bottoms?
- Roles Don’t Pair Into A Dynamic Overnight.At the tail-end of the first weekend I spent at his place, I saw him polish his shoes. Immediately I knew that I wanted to do that for him. It was hot but also that’s who I am. It’s how I love: I’ll clean your house, cook your dinner, sew the button back onto your… Read more: Roles Don’t Pair Into A Dynamic Overnight.
- Podcast: How To Support A Loved One Who Has Been Sexually Abused.I did a podcast on supporting a partner/loved one who has been sexually abused. We talk a lot about healing with victims and survivors of sexual assault, often encouraging them to have a reliable support system, but I wanted to address the support system for a change. How can you be part of a reliable… Read more: Podcast: How To Support A Loved One Who Has Been Sexually Abused.
- BDSM As A Love Language.My former partner stole all my things when I broke up with him. Except for the one bag of clothes and essentials I took when I left that apartment, I never got anything else back. He took all my books, my coffee machine, all my journals, most of my jewellery, all my utensils, the stove… Read more: BDSM As A Love Language.
- Polyamory does not mean you get to take the hurt from one relationship and use it like a knife in another.There once were two polyamorous nesters, let’s call them Ted and Sylvia (because it’s easier for me to steal the names of writers than come up with my own names for characters). Ted and Sylvia had been together for many years, they cohabitated and loved each other very much. They each also had long and… Read more: Polyamory does not mean you get to take the hurt from one relationship and use it like a knife in another.
- Intensity and Escalation As Risk Factors For BDSM.The first time I engaged in prolonged confinement, it changed everything about how I view BDSM. In a seven-day phase of continuous adherence to a boot-camp version of my dynamic with my then-partner, I lost my entire damn mind. It was the first instance of severe escalation in style. Until then, it started with scene-based… Read more: Intensity and Escalation As Risk Factors For BDSM.
- I Am Not Kinky Because of My Trauma (and please don’t romanticise it).There is an endless discussion to be had first about what came first, the kink or the trauma. It’s the chicken and egg situation, in that even when I know the answer is the egg, I cannot explain the science behind it to anyone’s satisfaction, much less my own, because I don’t fully understand it.… Read more: I Am Not Kinky Because of My Trauma (and please don’t romanticise it).
- Ask An Ancilla: Am I Good Enough As A Masochist?I had a few questions related to the same subject so I am clubbing them into one theme and addressing different parts of it. Question: I am a submissive/masochist and even though I like pain, I feel very reactive in the moment and want it to stop, but then later I like it, each time… Read more: Ask An Ancilla: Am I Good Enough As A Masochist?
- How Reading Erotica Influenced My Early Sexuality.The first erotic story I ever read was perfect. Prior to finding and reading this story, I had been writing my own erotica but given the very limited time I had available in those years of schooling, I couldn’t be responsible for the entirety of my own porn. I stole a few dirty magazines but… Read more: How Reading Erotica Influenced My Early Sexuality.
- Vulnerability Is The Best Sex Toy.For a long time I believed that the tendency to go non-verbal and remaining quiet during torture due to an imposition were the same thing. In effect, they lead to the same state, silence. My former partner did not impose silence on me, he did not care whether I screamed or sobbed silently, but more… Read more: Vulnerability Is The Best Sex Toy.
- Female Sexuality Has A Male Voice.When I was growing up, female sexuality had a male voice. Hell, I’m still growing up and it still has a male voice. I don’t just mean that in terms of depiction, although, female characters, even in first person are often written with a man’s understanding of the depth of a woman. Have you ever… Read more: Female Sexuality Has A Male Voice.
- Aftercare Is Not An Antibiotic.For the longest time aftercare was not a concept I understood, nor one I was remotely interested in. I didn’t really wanted hugs, reassurance or blankets after someone beat me up and to be perfectly honest, I wasn’t in the type of relationship where aftercare was the norm. Neither one was us was really interested… Read more: Aftercare Is Not An Antibiotic.
- How Do You Deal With Visible Bruises?If you’re going to play pain, you’re going to get hurt. That is just the way it is. Sometimes it will leave no marks, just a red warmth that will fade quickly or a muscle ache that will heal over a few days. Sometimes it will leave marks on parts of your body that aren’t… Read more: How Do You Deal With Visible Bruises?
- The Problem With Photo-Friendly BDSM.Construct is everything to me when it comes to kink. I realised that twelve-years ago when I planned my first “formal” scene with a man who had been “practising BDSM” for a decade. He insisted that the fact that I had been getting beaten up and indulging in “informal” power exchange for years wasn’t real.… Read more: The Problem With Photo-Friendly BDSM.
- How Sexual Confidence Showed Me Who I Am.His name was Mohit and he drove a blue car. Personally, I think colourful vehicles are distracting, cars should be black or white, but I wouldn’t want to impose my very limited sense of aesthetics on other people. I met Mohit because I decided I was going to be a slut. I didn’t know the… Read more: How Sexual Confidence Showed Me Who I Am.
- Let’s Talk About The Kama Sutra.As far as Indian stereotypes go, some are more popular than others. The representation of Indians in international pop-culture usually includes a strange accent no one in the country has ever actually heard, an allusion to spicy food and curries, snippets of familial control, jokes about cows and the myths associated with an ancient culture… Read more: Let’s Talk About The Kama Sutra.
- You Have To Be The Queer You Want To See In The World.Sometime between learning algebra and using tampons for the first time, I decided that being bisexual must mean you were necessarily polyamorous. There were no gay elders in my life or community for me to go to, I didn’t even know coming out was an option, I was vaguely aware of polyamory (not that term)… Read more: You Have To Be The Queer You Want To See In The World.
- How To Be A More Skillful Sadist.There is a misunderstanding about masochism and all it entails, often perpetuated by silly jokes (which I make as well, because, funny) and exaggerated ideology which has masochists moaning during surgery and having orgasms when we bump our toes. Then there’s the fact that people who think they might enjoy pain, come on here and… Read more: How To Be A More Skillful Sadist.
- How Do You Keep The Kink Going In A Long-Term Relationship?For the first few years that we were together, my partner and I had a very free and wild lifestyle, and by that I mean, we were free to fuck at 6 PM and wildly go to bed by 9:30 PM. I know. It sounds like a sad life, but it wasn’t, it was wonderful… Read more: How Do You Keep The Kink Going In A Long-Term Relationship?
- How I Learnt To Be A Better Partner To My Girlfriend From My Husband.My girlfriend said something wonderful to me yesterday. She lives in a state far away from mine and as a result we only see each other every few months. Though I am not a fan of long-distance relationships I like her enough that the distance is a condition I willingly accept and because of the… Read more: How I Learnt To Be A Better Partner To My Girlfriend From My Husband.
- “I am new to kink and I am overwhelmed.” – Ask An Ancilla.Ask an Ancilla is an advice column for kink, sexuality, feminism and fetishism. Ancilla answers all questions to the best of her ability and is not an expert in all things kink, sexuality, feminism or fetishism. Question: I am new to kink and the kink community and I am overwhelmed by what I see. I… Read more: “I am new to kink and I am overwhelmed.” – Ask An Ancilla.
- Upcoming Class: How To Identify Predators and Make The Red-Flag System Work For You.Class: Identifying Predators And Getting The Most Out Of The Red-Flag Methodology. Date: 15 January 2023 Time: 5 PM IST Day: Sunday Mode: Online Payment: Free. Event Details. A lot of us navigate the kink-and-sex world without any support and end up being victimized by people in our early (or later) years. I have devised… Read more: Upcoming Class: How To Identify Predators and Make The Red-Flag System Work For You.
- Is Kink How You Determine Compatibility In A Relationship?I used to think A and I were perfect for one another. Our story seemed like a twisted fairy-tale. A young girl whose only purpose was her own erotic destruction and a slightly older man whose sexuality responded only to the violent debasement of women. I used to tell the story of how we met… Read more: Is Kink How You Determine Compatibility In A Relationship?
- The Many Layers Of “I Own Your Body” (and how to parse the eroticism from the patriarchy).I bought my first black dress for the occasion. It was one of those dresses that wraps around you and you tie into a bow at the back. It was shorter than most clothes I wore at the time and cut low enough that my mother wasn’t sure whether she should let me wear it.… Read more: The Many Layers Of “I Own Your Body” (and how to parse the eroticism from the patriarchy).
- To Be Secretly Polyamorous and Pansexual.I’ve liked and dated women for a lot longer than most people in my life know about. I say women, but what I really mean is that I have dated people of all genders for a lot longer than I have talked about it. I didn’t think it was a big deal, I didn’t think… Read more: To Be Secretly Polyamorous and Pansexual.
- A Relationship Is Not Healthy Just because It Is Wild And Kinky.If I had to pick a role model from within my family, I would pick my mother’s sister. I spent summers with her and her husband until I was eighteen and much more time with them after I was eighteen. She’s what many would call a “cold” woman but it’s only an impression, what she… Read more: A Relationship Is Not Healthy Just because It Is Wild And Kinky.
- Laugh At Your Fetishes, It May Do You Some Good.Lord knows that I need a smack in the mouth to jump-start my libido as much as the next eyeliner painted masochist clad entirely in black. I will engage in ritualistic practice of protocols and write adjective-laden poetry about it. I will practise a detailed, overly-enthusiastic form of power exchange with gusto. I will kneel… Read more: Laugh At Your Fetishes, It May Do You Some Good.
- How To Distinguish Power Exchange From Abuse.One of the primary conceits of my relationship dynamics is that I surrender the right to say no. You can call that Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) or you could call it Total Power Exchange (TPE), I don’t really care what terminology we use so long as what I mean is clearly understood. Here’s what I mean:… Read more: How To Distinguish Power Exchange From Abuse.
Ancillary Kink Support 